Why I took a much needed break from Instagram

Hi friends! If you have been following me on Instagram, you may have been wondering where the heck I have been for the last three months or so. Well I am going to answer that question for you right here right now. Let me first say that this isn’t my typical blog post (it’s not geared towards Fashion or Fun Beauty finds by any means). But it’s the honest truth. I’d like to pride myself on being my most authentic and honest self and unfortunately I can’t say that was necessarily the case up until recently.

I suppose it all changed for me in May 2019. If you all remember Adam and I had just moved in to our very own Condo that his family owns. Prior to us moving in, his family was renting it out to “Family friends” and I use this term very loosely since we are no longer friends, but back to that in a second. For some reason I guess I thought in my mind that upon moving we were going to transform into this sort of Chip and Joanna Gaines experience of fixing up our home and taking you all along on the ride. I thought we would be showcasing ourselves fixing up and beautifying our home with pinterest worthy photos of our one of a kind décor and furniture.

Well my bubble was quickly popped when I realized that our new home was less Instagram worthy and more “Money Pit” like. What I didn’t expect is that the previous occupants had completely trashed the house before leaving. I’m talking toilets overflowing, a broken garbage disposal , water leaking onto the kitchen floor (with only a towel left to soak up the mess), broken dishwasher, leaking refrigerator, food splattered on walls, cat feces scattered everywhere  (we’re still finding leftovers in the fireplace – yuck!) , holes in walls, dirt and blood caked on walls (I’m not kidding, it looked like a deranged episode of something you would see on “Criminal Minds”), and last but not least, the dead pet hamster left on the back patio, complete with a note that read “R.I.P. Hamster”.

Needless to say, I was completely overwhelmed and devastated. All of the fun ideas that I had for Instagram quickly went out of the broken windows…. I had these visions of cooking amazing recipes in the kitchen, designing our bedroom to highlight my outfit of the day try on sessions, taking beautiful photos via Holliewdwrd and dthompsy. I thought the move would only escalate my career and take me to a new level. My dreams were crushed when I quickly realized that all of our money would now be going towards having a running sink and flushable toilet over the hottest picks for the Nordstrom Anniversary sale.

But I’m a full time blogger! A fashion blogger! My income DEPENDS on showing the latest and greatest Fashion and Beauty picks. I started to compare myself to the other bloggers on Instagram. Majority of them in their early 20’s. Majority of them living in these huge Mansions that always seem to be spotless and put together even though they have 3.5 kiddos, 2 dogs, sometimes cats, and a perfectly wellgroomed husband. I started to really feel like a failure. I’m 35! I should have my shit totally together right?!

Nonetheless, my Depression over the Instagram comparison game grew worse. My anxiety about posting perfect photos became so intense that I just couldn’t get myself motivated to get dressed let alone put on a happy smile while telling ya’ll how much I “just love this top that I found on sale”. I started to gain weight. I literally put on 21lbs. I wasn’t taking care of myself mentally or physically. I piled on the junk food and drank too much because I just didn’t want to deal with the fact that my career was quickly going down the drain.

I stopped promoting myself and my brand that I had worked so hard to build up. The endorsements quickly dried up and the few campaigns that I had yet to fulfill, I just couldn’t. It was completely mortifying having brands and companies send me clothing that I couldn’t post photos of simply because I couldn’t fit into the sizes that they sent me. “You look smaller on Instagram” and “make it work” were some phrases being told to me. I was humiliated.

Now around the time that all of this was going on, Instagram started to make some major changes to their platform. I’m sure you have heard that Instagram started testing taking away the “like” feature. Meaning the random person would still be able to like your photo being posted but no one except you would be able to see the actual number of likes your post acquires. All of this is great in theory for Instagram trying to result in not damaging one’s self esteem but the person posting the photo CAN STILL SEE the overall number of likes. And brands want proof that your photos are doing well, so they now require you to screenshot your numbers to show them how well you are liked. The comparison game still exists.

Instagram also has a bias towards anyone making money off of them. Micro bloggers/Influencers are especially included in this bias. A lot of Micro Influencers (myself included) always try to find a way to boost their overall exposure on Instagram. Like pods, Telegram groups, shout outs, and sharing are among the most popular ways that Influencers try to get a one up on just the average poster. You see, the more people that interact on your photo (commenting, liking, saving, and sharing), the more Instagram considers your photo valuable and will continue to showcase your post to a broader audience. The more people that see your posts, the bigger your overall audience becomes and the more exposure you can generate for your paid campaign. Win/win right? Well, back to that Bias thing…. Instagram has found a way to shut out a lot of Micro Influencers. They can literally choose to shadowban aka hide or block your photo from being seen (even by your most regular followers). They also honed in on certain hashtags like #fashion or #blogger which leads to concealing your post from being seen as well.

Talk about stress! All of these changes and trying to beat the algorithm led to MORE of a competition on Instagram. The app became an anxiety ridden dread instead of being a fun platform to share creativity and beautiful photos while connecting with people. I needed a serious break. I took some time over the holidays to be in the present moment with my family and loved ones. I ate all the carbs and didn’t let myself feel guilty about it one bit. It definitely took the pressure off.

Cut to present day, I was watching the Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix, “Miss Americana”, and sidenote if you have not seen it, I highly recommend watching it. Taylor mentions that she “became what everyone wanted her to be”.  She molded herself to be what she thought was “likeable”. This led to a full blown eating disorder where she would literally starve herself to be thin upon seeing a comment from a random person saying that she looked fat or pregnant in a photo. Taylor also got criticism for being “too thin”. She couldn’t win no matter what she did. She admitted to being insecure and that her whole career was built on “seeking approval from strangers”. How fucking sad. And holy shit, the same situation became my reality… my value or worth was dependent on how many likes I could get from strangers on Instagram.

I am happy to say that I am now in a great headspace. Whenever I am down or in a funk, I can without a doubt tell you that the most helpful things to get my mind back into a positive place are meditation, journaling, and motivational books. My favorites are “You are a badass” by Jen Sincero and “Change your energy, change your life” by Mike Kemski. Along with taking care of my mind, physical activity plays an important role as well.  I got a new fitbit and have been hitting those 10,000 steps every day in the luxury of my own home while catching up with all of my favorite Housewives. I feel better physically which definitely helps me to feel better mentally. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m already down 5 lbs so far. I also use the My Fitness Pal app to keep track of my daily food intake. Overall I feel so much better!

The much needed Instagram break taught me that I am more than just the number of likes that I receive on my posts. I also have to remind myself that the photos posted on Instagram are only glimpses of what people WANT you to see. They may not depict the actual reality of their lives. It’s also important to keep in mind that the cost of living varies by state. Our Los Angeles condo is estimated between $350k to $400k, which could easily land us a small mansion in Indiana. Every single person on this planet is different and unique in their own way. I think we all have something special to bring to the table. Insecurities and all. My break did lead to a loss in followers as well as my like count going down. And you know what? I’m ok with that. I hope to continue to bring honesty, humbleness, originality, and kindness to those who have stuck with me. Along with more fashion and beauty finds as well obviously! Now back to the fun! That’s why I got started in this whole blogging/influencing thing in the first place. Hopefully you will stick around and take a part in my not so perfect journey! And as always I do love hearing from you. Feel free to dm me or comment below with what you would love to see more of from me!

XOXO